The quarter is over!!!!!

I am so relieved and happy that this quarter is over. Now I just have to sit back and hope that I pass all of my classes! This was a HARD quarter for me...I took 4 classes, which I realized is too many, so next quarter I am taking 3. Hopefully it's a little easier for me.

On the pregnancy front, nothing really going on. I'm not bleeding, not cramping, nothing. Just feeling mostly normal (except a bit of nausea and smelling bacon everywhere (WTF?!?!)). I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday morning, so I guess we will see what the scan shows.

Tom is almost done with school for the semester. We are both looking forward to BREATHING a bit! This has been stressful, with both of us being full time students and working full time, but the month of December will be relaxing (I hope!).

Well, it's getting late, so I should get myself to bed! Sleep tight!

Giving Thanks...

Instead of my usual complaints and yapping on about nothing, I've decided to list some things I'm thankful for this year.

1. TOM! I don't know what I would do without him. He's the love of my life, my solid ground, my comfort, my everything. He works so hard and I don't always show him my appreciation. I love you so so much.
2. My awesome family. I can't stress the word awesome enough. We've been through a lot in the past year and I think it's made us closer. I love spending time with them - my mom, all my brother and sisters (and sisters and brothers in law), and especially my nieces and nephews. Can't get enough of them. Thanks so much for everything you have done for me and the support you've shown.
3. My health. Yes, I said it. Despite what I believe in my mind, I AM pretty healthy (physically anyway...mental health is a different story...:) )
4. My home. I am blessed enough to have a mother who is welcoming and loving and enjoys the company of Tom and I. We plan to be here awhile and she seems okay with that. Many people in these times are struggling to live, and we are so lucky to have what we do.
5. My job. I have a great job, work with awesome people, and actually love going to work.
6. My education. Even though I can't stand homework and am totally lazy, I LOVE the fact that I am getting my education and will (one day) be done.
7. I can't leave this out, as trivial as it is. The Twilight books. My nice list just turned nerdy. They got me reading again (ok, I had been reading, but not that much). And, have given me stuff to look forward to. (Did I mention the movie is amazing? I've now seen it twice and have a third time planned.)

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Have a peaceful day and rest up for shopping tomorrow!!!!

Twilight!

Well I continue to have pregnancy issues this weekend, unfortunately. I'm trying to rest and put those at the back of my mind.

The highlight of my WHOLE weekend was seeing Twilight on Friday night. It was amazing - everything I wanted it to be. Tom has promised me that after the stress of my doctor's appointment tomorrow he'll take me to see it tomorrow night again after work! YAY!!! I'm REALLY excited about this. I cannot stop thinking about the movie and keep replaying it in my head. It has consumed me!! Ha ha.

This is a short week at work, which is nice. It should be easy, as we probably have many students on vacation. I'm looking forward to having a quiet week and a restful Thanksgiving. Then starts the Christmas madness!!!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

This is crap..

Well, once again, things aren't going well on the pregnancy front. My beta HCG is not rising as it should be. I had an ultrasound today and the gestational sac is measuring a week behind (not good.) The doctor called me and told me he would not be surprised if I miscarried over the weekend. So, I've had a crappy week. Today I'm resting at home and plan to return to work tomorrow. I have to go back in on Monday and have one more blood draw and an ultrasound just to confirm what's going on.

Tom and I have decided to truly consider adoption. We feel that this is the right decision for us and have started looking into it at this point. So we will see what happens!

Tonight is the premiere of Twilight, which is at least one thing I am looking forward to. At least my mind will be distracted for a couple of hours.

Tired...

Well I've been pregnant for like, 2 minutes, and am already having "symptoms." Are they all in my head? Possibly. I am extremely tired, hungry and nauseated at the same time, have a headache, very sore "upstairs," if you know what I mean, and just other random symptoms. Tomorrow morning I go to the specialist for initial bloodwork. On Thursday, I go back for a 2nd round of the same tests to make sure that my numbers are increasing adequately.

I'm still not done with Breaking Dawn or with my 2nd sock. The positive pregnancy test threw me for a loop!

I am off to rest and try to get rid of this headache.

OMG

It's a bit blurry - but I'm sure you get the idea. It's really early, but I can't even freaking believe this. I'm approx. 4 weeks pregnant - due some time around mid-July. Oh my Lord...

Matters of the heart

The Stress Echo went okay - I was so nervous that my heart rate was 170 - no need to get on the treadmill to stress my heart.  Both the tech and the cardiologist said that my heart was functionally and structurally normal, so that's good.  They want me to wear a 48 hour EKG monitor to make sure that my heart rate isn't always sky high.  So, I'll be making an appointment for that.  The cardiologist's exact words were, "You don't have anything bad wrong with you."  He knew what I needed to hear!

I am STOKED that in 2 weeks, the Twilight movie comes out.  My husband and I are living in true dork fashion and going to the 12am showing.  I couldn't resist.  I feel like I have been waiting forever - good thing I didn't find the books when they first came out!

In other news, Tom and I are pretty broke.  Once again, we have tons of medical bills because of my neurologist appointments and my sleep study.  Over 3 grand.  Blech.

I'm almost done with my second sock.  WOO HOO!!  After that, I am knitting up my "vampire yarn" which I bought on etsy.  

Tonight Tom and I are going to a friend's house.  A friend I think I've seen ONCE in 8 years!  I'm so excited to catch up with her!!!

Have a great weekend!

Blech.

Tomorrow I have to have an echocardiogram and I am NOT looking forward to it. There are a number of reasons for this.

1. I am a hypochondriac. You say the words "heart problem" or "potentially harmful/dangerous" and my mind starts RACING! This is what happened in September when my neurologist noted a 7-beat run of ventricular tachycardia on my EKG strip. He even said it was VERY short, but of course I researched everything I could online and read how dangerous this can be.
2. It will be AT LEAST a week before I receive results. Please read above for more explanation about why this would bother me.
3. I hate doctors. My blood pressure will be sky high and my heart will be racing. Plus, it seems like whenever I am the most nervous is when I have to sit in the waiting room the longest.
4. My appointment isn't until 10:45am. This gives me tons of time to obsess about it once I wake up in the morning.

Luckily, my sister is coming along for support. I am just terrified that I have heart disease, CAD, cardiomyopathy, etc. (see, I really have done my research). Oh, and I also think I have heart failure. I have no family history, don't smoke, have no congenital heart defects, and have never had a problem with my heart in my life. I do, however, have high blood pressure, could lose quite a bit of weight, and barely exercise. So I have things going against me. If anything, this should be a wake-up call for me to get healthier - but instead, I'm focusing all of my thoughts on it and anxietizing about it (is that a word?)

Anyway, enough rambling about that.

I have decided to finish my second sock of my first pair of socks. It's been hiding for quite some time. I'm finally catching up on my school work and have been able to find a little time for myself.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow, as my stress has NO LIMITS!!!

Busy, busy, busy

It's been quite a busy week!  I've fallen way behind on my schoolwork over the past couple of months, unfortunately, and I am still struggling to get to where I should be.  I'm slowly getting there.  This is partially due to my periods of intense anxiety/depression and partially due to just laziness.  The third part of this is that I'm just so doggone tired all the time.  

Today I made brownies, my niece's recipe, in preparation for going to a friend's for dinner.  I ended up with a migraine (I think) that I was actually vomiting with - this could also be a stomach bug that's going around.  I'm pretty sure it was a migraine though, because I'm feeling WAY better after sleeping for 3 hours.  

On the knitting front, I've started working again on a lacey shawl I started back in May using Noro Aurora.  I keep making mistakes, but it's so gappy that they don't show, luckily!  I'm also working on a vampire-inspired knit (the dork in me coming out...)  a neck warmer in red and black Jitterbug mixed with a Kraemer yarn with silver in it.  I had to rip some of it out today (UGH!!!!!), but that's just the way it is, I suppose.

Tomorrow will be a day of cleaning (I've been trying to get the bedroom organized), and homework.  Hopefully I can finish Breaking Dawn at some point in the near future!

6 months later...

It's been quite some time since I have posted. My dad passed away in June, which was difficult for my whole family, especially my mom. We are still grieving in some ways, but things have gotten a lot better. Tom and I are living with my mom and both working hard and going to school full time. So, it's rare that we see each other.

I have been trying to find the time to do some knitting in between school, work, and reading the Twilight saga, which I admit that I am obsessed with. I am on the final book, Breaking Dawn, and am ready to finish it up so that I can start the first book over again before the movie comes out at the end of November.

I've been having some major anxiety issues lately, although they seem to be quieting down. I had a sleep study done at the end of September which revealed mild sleep apnea, but also revealed that I had a 7-beat run of ventricular tachycardia during the night. Needless to say, this freaks the ever-living crap out of me. Of course I went right to the internet and researched the subject. Most of the time, people with this have heart disease, structural damage to the heart, or heart failure. I had an EKG 2 weeks ago at the doctor, which was clear. My blood work looked good. The only test left for me to have is a stress echo, which is scheduled for 11/5. Not looking forward to it.

I'm struggling to re-commit to fitness and weight loss, which is hard with the very small amount of time I have to myself. I try to eat right for the most part, but toward the end of the day I get sleepy and lazy and stop keeping track of what I eat. Anyone have any good ideas?!!?

Yarn!!!!

I went to Charlotte Yarn today and had fun just poking around in there. My next project is an "Aibhlein" (not sure about the spelling!) - it's a wrap/shawl kind of thing. I bought Blue Sky organic dyed cotton to make it.

I have to finish Jack's baby blanket first, though. I've been working on it for about 2 years now! Sooner or later it will be complete. Although, Jack might be 25 by that time.

Nothing much else going on here - knitting, school work, Weight Watchers, sleeping. Oh, how I love the sleeping. I have taken to napping in a chair in the living room (just like my dad, ha ha). I just get comfy and drift off.

Last night Kate and I went to Caribou coffee and did some knitting. I had some really yummy "Mahogany" blend coffee. I've been drinking kind of a lot of coffee lately. It's ok, though, it keeps me energized for a short while anyway. I should definitely be drinking more water than anything!

Off to dork around on ravelry for awhile and then do some knitting.

One more week

One more week until school starts again for me. And I'm taking 3 classes instead of 2 this coming quarter -eek! I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. My knitting is going to suffer for sure!

I've been working on lots of small knitting projects and I feel like I'm able to get things accomplished that way. I'm finishing up a mug cozy for my sister and then I'm making a beer cozy for one of my brothers. Today Kate and I are going to a "Yarn Tasting" event at one of the yarn stores here. I am so excited - you get to try out all different kinds of yarns and eat chocolate (which is always good).

We found out this week that my dad has another tumor. :( He went for a colonoscopy on Wednesday to be cleared for surgery and we got the bad news. He had a CT scan yesterday and gets the results on Tuesday. I'm really praying for good news. He seems to be doing ok. My brother Mike is here and that helps A LOT! He is a great positive influence and keeps things light around here.

Yesterday we had to drop a bunch of money on getting Tom's car fixed - he was having problems with a coolant hose or something. It ended up costing twice what they quoted us because they had to flush the radiator. Ugh. The fun of having cars! And as fate would have it, my "Change Oil Soon" light came on yesterday, so I have to get that taken care of.

Well I'm off to start the beer cozy! I really should post pics of my knitting on here at some point.

Easter

Wow - Easter is here! Actually, since it's 20 minutes to 8:00pm, it's almost over. It's been a pretty uneventful day, just hanging out with the family. My brother Mike is here visiting and Kate, Chris, and Jack came over for dinner tonight.

I have been knitting like a fiend! Actually, I've been starting projects and messing them up. Now I'm working on a baby hat that will hopefully turn out ok. Kerry introduced me to Ravelry.com and I am totally addicted. I'm constantly on the website.

I have been so sleepy lately. Actually, it's been going on for quite some time. I get so sleepy that it actually feels like my body is moving but my brain is asleep - even at work when I'm doing something. It's really weird. Starting tonight, I'm trying to get in to a rigid routine of going to bed at the same time every night and getting enough sleep. If that doesn't help, I'm going to go to my doctor. I've already seen him for it and at first he thought it was one of my medications, but my younger sister has narcolepsy, and I'm showing some signs of that. If that's the case, I want to be treated!!! Being so darn sleepy makes enjoying my day hard. There are many times when I have to go out to my car at work and take a nap on my lunch break. Ugh. On the weekends, I take 2-3 hour naps both days.

Anyway, back to my knitting.

Highly Caffeinated

Ok, I have had way too much sweet tea and I feel like I am typing at lightning speed.

I'm getting ready to work on a knitting project that I started months ago and need to finish! It's a fingerless mittens project and 1 is done, just need to finish the 2nd. The problem is, I don't know where the pattern is! I found it online in someone's blog and am having a hard time relocating it. I had printed it out, but it is since long gone.

In other news, we adopted a dog yesterday (my mom and I). Her name is Sugar and she's a Border Collie/Australian Cattle Dog mix. She is SO sweet. She gets a little nutty around other dogs, but is great with people and learns quickly. I'll be sure to post a pic of her on here soon.

It's hard to believe that next week is Easter already! That's insane! My brothers will be here in a few weeks because we are thinking my dad will be having surgery soon - if they ever give him a date. The damn procedure keeps getting pushed back because of one setback or another.

Tom and I have totally slacked off on Weight Watchers, but are starting back tomorrow. I went to Trader Joe's today with my mom and got some stuff to get us through most of the week. We'll see how it goes. It's hard to stay on track. I'm just used to stuffing my face with whatever I want to do. I know it's a matter of changing a bad habit, and no one said it would be easy.

Well, I'm off to knit as the dog pulls the stuffing out of her favorite toy.

Fun times

Tom and I went out with some friends to the Breakfast Club last night and had a great time. Of course, I imbibed a few too many Purple Rains, as always ;)

Another month has passed...

And I still suck at keeping up with my blog! Oh well. I'm pretty sure I've started blogs in the past and never gotten past 1 entry.

So tonight I'm feeling a little uneasy and depressed. I came to the shocking realization today that if we had not lost our baby back in November, I would be due in 1 1/2 months. Wow. I think all of this has surfaced again because Sunday (3/9) was the 1 year anniversary of my 2nd miscarriage (the one where we saw a heartbeat one day and the next it was gone).

I really do want to have a baby, but I just feel hopeless and like maybe we should take some time off. I had an RE appointment last week but had to cancel due to insurance issues (another story entirely). Tom and I have discussed waiting until we're done with school, which would be about 2 1/2 years from now. Do I really want to wait until I'm almost 30 to have my first child? Not that 30 is old, but I personally have always wanted to have kids in my 20's. My health insurance is causing a problem for me with this stuff because the deductible is so high. All 3 of my miscarriages cost a huge amount of money for us. Do I really want to go through all of the effort and expense to be disappointed again? Will we ever become parents?

So many unknowns drive me nuts. I like to know precisely what is going to happen, especially when it comes to my body. I feel like I can't trust my body with pregnancy. Last time we thought everything was great and then BOOM - everything came crashing down. It took a terribly long time for me to get back to feeling "normal." And still when I see a pregnant woman I feel a pang of jealousy. Why can't I still be pregnant? Why did my precious baby have to leave us? Where was God in all of this? How can crack addicts and abusers have 5 healthy kids and I can't have any? Wasn't I doing everything right? The questions go on and on...

I can just feel my heart breaking tonight. Sometimes I feel like I should be over this - like maybe I'm just too dramatic or something. Then the magnitude of what has really happened hits me - my baby died. I SHOULD be dramatic. I should NOT be over this. I will probably never truly get over it. It has only been 4 months.

Everything else is the same - work, school, etc. Can't really complain about all of that. My dad is having another surgery in another couple of weeks. I'm hoping for the best.

I need to get back to church - it keeps me balanced and makes me feel like I don't have to struggle to be in control.

Ugh!

I just composed a long post with lots of pics and it didn't work!! Anyway, here are some pictures of my family. Also, here's the Umbilical Cord hat from the Stitch n' Bitch book that I made yesterday. The yarn is weird - looks like camo when you knit it up.

Well we're flying home today - next time I post I'll be at my house!

Almost time to get back to reality.

We've had a great vacation and today's the last day. Tomorrow we'll be driving down to Albany to get on our flight home. I'm actually not dreading going home, because we've been keeping up with our laundry at my sister's house, so I won't be wrapped up in that when we get home. However, I do have a quiz due tomorrow and have no idea what it's even about!! AHHH!! I hope I'm able to figure it out - it's math, my very worst subject.

Today is the Winter Carnival Parade up here, I plan on taking pictures of it and posting them up later. There's also an ice palace that they make every year out of HUGE blocks of ice. Hopefully we'll get over there today and take some pics of that also.

My birthday was good and relaxing. I think as you get older, birthdays just aren't as fun. I remember being a kid and getting VERY excited about my birthday every year. I used to love planning the birthday parties, etc. The truth is, at this point in my life, I don't have many peers that I hang out with. I'm friends with a few people at work and my 2 best friends have moved far away in the past year. Sadly, I don't keep in touch with them as much as I should. I miss them lots.

I'm working on adding some songs to our iTunes library so I can load up my iPod before hanging out on planes and at the airport tomorrow.

Anyway - hopefully I'll be back later to post some pictures!

Knitting, vacation, etc..

Well it's been over a month since I posted - wow! Right now Tom and I are on vacation in the Adirondack mountains of NY. We're having a great time relaxing, reading, spending time with the family, etc. This weekend is "Winter Carnival" up here, and it's sure to be an interesting time. My brothers are coming up from southern NY for the weekend. It tends to get a little wild when I'm with my bros - there's usually alcohol involved and some silliness. I can't wait! I've spent the past couple of days knitting a hat for my co-worker's baby shower, and I'm going to post it up here. I'm also posting a picture of Tom and me at the airport in Greensboro, NC on our way up here. The little girl in the picture is my niece, and the hat is on her doll. It's so soft! Made with Rowan yarn - one of the cashmere blends that my older sister had in her stash. Now I'm working on an iPod case for my dad.

The little guy is my nephew/God-son, Sam, who just started free-standing! He's such a cutie!

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday and my sister is taking DH and I out to dinner tonight. I can't believe I'll be 26!!! It seems like I just turned 21.

On the TTC front, we've decided to hold off for awhile. This May, we'll both be in school and we want to focus on that for awhile. I'm not sure when we'll try again. I'm going to the RE next month at some point to have some blood testing done.

Hope everyone is well. Hope these pics work!

Lazy Sunday

I'm having a laaaaaaazy day so far today! It's 11:15am and I am still in my jammies. I've been so busy this weekend working on school work and knitting. I'm working on fingerless mittens. I finished one and am just starting the 2nd one. They are so soft and I can't wait to wear them! Yesterday Tom, my older sister, Kerry, and I took my niece and nephew to see Enchanted. What a cute movie! My niece laughed the entire time - it was so funny. All of the kids in the movie theater seemed to love it.

I'm taking 2 classes this quarter - Educational Psychology and Math for Educators. I really am going to try hard to keep up with all of my work. Sometimes it gets overwhelming working full time and trying to keep up with homework. Even though it's only 2 classes it takes a lot of time. I spent hours yesterday just reading my textbooks.

Tom and I are totally broke. He gets paid in a few days and I am so ready for that. We have tons of medical bills since my miscarriage and they are really making the well run dry. We're just trying to get everything paid off while we're living with my parents so that we can eventually move out and get a house of our own (wherever that house might be).

We'll see what happens!

2008

Wooooo hooooo! First post of 2008. I haven't been as vigilant at keeping up with this blog as I wanted to be. I update it when I remember that it's here. My brother, Mike and my sister, Kerry and her kids are here visiting, so it's been hectic, but fun! We found out yesterday that my dad is having surgery next week some time, so that's a little bit of a stressor for me right now. I'm trying not to worry about it too much and know that I should be praying about it instead of worrying at all. Worrying is just not worth the energy, although I am the queen of concern.

I saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist on Monday. He was AWESOME...listened to my concerns and gave lots of feedback. I have to go in and have bloodwork done pretty soon, and hopefully it will show something that can be corrected. He suggested that I start seeing a counselor who specializes in pregnancy loss to help me cope and to help ease the panic that I know I'll feel when I get pregnant again. I am totally on board with that.

Work is going great - Shelly and I ended up in the kitchen today, which was an adventure, but made the day fly by at least. School starts back for me on Friday - eek! It's going to be hard to get used to the homework and projects again, but I haven't taken courses the past 2 quarters, so it's time to get back into the swing of things. Tom and I are also both trying to get healthier together (who isn't at this time of year?) and hope that it'll last for more than just a few weeks. I've started reading the Bible again, with a "Bible Reading Schedule" that I got through our church. Things around here are busy, but I can't complain too much about anything.