Another month has passed...

And I still suck at keeping up with my blog! Oh well. I'm pretty sure I've started blogs in the past and never gotten past 1 entry.

So tonight I'm feeling a little uneasy and depressed. I came to the shocking realization today that if we had not lost our baby back in November, I would be due in 1 1/2 months. Wow. I think all of this has surfaced again because Sunday (3/9) was the 1 year anniversary of my 2nd miscarriage (the one where we saw a heartbeat one day and the next it was gone).

I really do want to have a baby, but I just feel hopeless and like maybe we should take some time off. I had an RE appointment last week but had to cancel due to insurance issues (another story entirely). Tom and I have discussed waiting until we're done with school, which would be about 2 1/2 years from now. Do I really want to wait until I'm almost 30 to have my first child? Not that 30 is old, but I personally have always wanted to have kids in my 20's. My health insurance is causing a problem for me with this stuff because the deductible is so high. All 3 of my miscarriages cost a huge amount of money for us. Do I really want to go through all of the effort and expense to be disappointed again? Will we ever become parents?

So many unknowns drive me nuts. I like to know precisely what is going to happen, especially when it comes to my body. I feel like I can't trust my body with pregnancy. Last time we thought everything was great and then BOOM - everything came crashing down. It took a terribly long time for me to get back to feeling "normal." And still when I see a pregnant woman I feel a pang of jealousy. Why can't I still be pregnant? Why did my precious baby have to leave us? Where was God in all of this? How can crack addicts and abusers have 5 healthy kids and I can't have any? Wasn't I doing everything right? The questions go on and on...

I can just feel my heart breaking tonight. Sometimes I feel like I should be over this - like maybe I'm just too dramatic or something. Then the magnitude of what has really happened hits me - my baby died. I SHOULD be dramatic. I should NOT be over this. I will probably never truly get over it. It has only been 4 months.

Everything else is the same - work, school, etc. Can't really complain about all of that. My dad is having another surgery in another couple of weeks. I'm hoping for the best.

I need to get back to church - it keeps me balanced and makes me feel like I don't have to struggle to be in control.