Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! This holiday is really fun for me this year! My nephew, Jack is over for Christmas eve, which is a big deal in our family. Tomorrow, for Christmas Day, we will open gifts in the morning and then just chill out all day. On Wednesday, my nephew and brother and sister in law from NY are coming down. On Friday, my sister and her 3 kids are coming to visit for a couple of weeks. It's going to be busy, but fun.

I've been having some really intense anxiety lately. I'm not sure what it's from, but I wish I could just get rid of it. All of a sudden, I'll feel completely panicked. I've had panic attacks before, and this feels like when one is just starting. It comes and goes. I'm super-paranoid about everything...every time Tom leaves for the day I'm afraid he's going to get in a car accident...every time I get in the car I'm afraid of getting in a wreck. I'm afraid of dying in my sleep. I've always had a "death-and-disease" phobia, but it seems to be getting worse. Apparently this is normal post-miscarriage.

On another note, Tom and I are going to start Weight Watchers after New Years! I really want to lose some more weight (I lost 40lbs before I got pregnant) and so does Tom. I know it'll be a challenging and long road, but I at least want to stick with it until I get pregnant again.

Well I am going to take sweet little Jack outside! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Blech.

It all came back to me tonight. I miss the baby so much. I just loved him/her so much and he/she was so wanted. It's not fair. I should be preparing for the baby, feeling it move, talking to it...

I was doing much better...I think work has provided a great distraction, but I've been bottling everything up for the past week or so.

I just feel so drained and worn out.

Nothing exciting

Work has been going great. I really can't complain too much. It's been busy, but a great distraction. Today when I came home, though, I completely lost it and just started bawling. My heart still hurts. I still miss my precious baby. I know that I always will. It just still feels so fresh. I swear sometimes I can "feel the baby move." I know it's just muscle twitches or whatever. I'm afraid that the pain of this loss will never go away. But, life must go on and we will try again...maybe the 4th time will be the lucky one?

Other than that, we're totally broke and trying to get some Christmas stuff taken care of. We've decided to each get each other 3 gifts this year that cost $20 or less each. It's kind of fun and a little challenging. I made sure to tell Tom the things that I *really* wanted. We've decided to spend more money on gifts for our nieces and nephews and give as much as we can to our church, and organizations like Toys for Tots, etc. We don't need more stuff for ourselves, that's for sure!

Well I am so sleepy, so I'm going to lay around in bed. Goodnight!

Work

I went back to work today. It was busy, but good to get back to normal. There are a few parents and staff members who are unaware of what happened still, so I was trying to avoid them. I know I'll have to talk about it eventually, but not on my first day back! I had an appointment with my PCP today to get labs done for my liver enzymes, ANA, etc (a bunch of stuff that was going on before I got pregnant). Hopefully those all come back normal. Tomorrow I go and see the doctor who did my D&E. Hopefully I'm all clear from that as well. I am STILL leaking milk. Something else I'll be discussing with my doctor this week.

I rented Christmas With the Kranks to watch tonight while Tom is at work. He has something against that movie - I don't know what. I'm wondering if it's any good or not.

Found out today that my dad is having surgery again twice in January. We knew that he would be, but the time has just gone so fast. Hopefully they can take care of any remaining problems and get him all fixed up before he starts chemo again. It's been a long road for him! I'm just praying that everything turns out the way the doctors keep saying it's going to turn out.

Well, I have nothing else to say. Goodnight.

Weekend

Nothing really new going on here. I'm feeling a little weepy today for some reason. Tom didn't call me on his lunch break and that made me cry - dumb as that is. I guess my hormones are still out of whack. I'm bleeding A LOT today (sorry if that's TMI!!!!) so I'm also pretty tired.

Since I was out of work this week, I watched a lot of movies. I just finished watching Dreamgirls, which was really good. Last night I watched Finding Neverland which was AWESOME. I don't usually like movies set in "olden times," but I'm glad I made an exception for this one. Tom and I watched License to Wed which wasn't very good. We're going out to Blockbuster when Tom gets home from work to get a couple more movies. The Blockbuster online subscription thing is great. Anyone have any suggestions for movies to rent (if anyone is reading this blog!?!?!?) :)

I'm ready to get back to work on Monday. I'm ready to wear real clothes and not sweat pants! (Although I do enjoy lounging around in my PJ's). My mom is dying my hair this weekend - a dark brown color, I think it's called espresso. I'm going to get my eyebrows waxed and will probably give myself a manicure and pedicure. I want to feel good about my appearance at least, when I go back on Monday. I've really let myself go the past 2 weeks. It's time to get back to the "real world."

Well it's almost 10pm and I haven't had dinner yet, so I'd better grab something to eat!

Goodnight!

Recovery

I barely cried at all yesterday. It's a step in the right direction. Today I stopped by work to pick up some stuff to work on from home so that Monday isn't so crazy and overwhelming to me. It was great to see my co-workers and friends, but I cried like a baby when I left. I'm not really sure why. My bosses were great and very understanding, told me to take more time if I needed it. I think I'll be ready to get back to normal on Monday. I know they've been busy and I feel guilty enough about missing so much time.

I am on this weird sleeping schedule lately. I get SO tired in the middle of the day and end up taking a 2-3 hour nap and then I can't fall asleep until 2-3am. Ugh! I need to get out of that habit before Sunday night, since I'll be waking up at the crack of dawn for work on Monday.

I want to find some time to knit this weekend. It's always good stress reliever for me (I tend to knit TIGHTLY when I'm stressed). I am working on 2 projects right now...gifts for people.

Tom's pissed off at his work. They keep messing around with the work schedule. It seems to change everyday. I would probably be aggravated too if I were him. Today he has to go to work at 2 and stay until 9:30, which I hate. I miss him when he's gone! He was supposed to be off today.

Sunday is our 6 year dating anniversary. It's weird to think of our relationship in the context of years. It seems like we've known each other and been friends forever.

Anyway, I'm just rambling on because I have nothing else to do.

Bring it all together for good

My freakin' boobs are leaking. And itching. And I have no baby to feed :(. I'm actually handling it okay, but it's aggravating. During the day, I feel alright. I'll occasionally have a breakdown. Late at night is when it's the worst. I start remembering every painful detail of my doctor's appointment and the days leading up to my surgery. Then I remember the day of my surgery when I was totally flipping out. My heart still aches and feels empty. My clothes still don't fit me. Crying is part of my daily routine.

I really miss work and feeling normal, but my body and mind are not ready to be there yet. I have MANY pregnant co-workers and there are tons of parents who are pregnant and I'm just not ready to face that yet. I do not feel jealous or resentful of these people at all. They had nothing to do with what happened to me or my baby. I pray that none of them ever have to go through the intense feelings of emptiness and hurt that I've been through in the past week. I pray that their babies continue to thrive and be healthy! I pray every morning and evening that God will help me to understand why this has happened. Was it to strengthen my relationship with my husband? To give us time to pay off debt? To give us time to finish school? To wait until we're living in a house of our own? I just don't know. Maybe some day it will be revealed to us.

I will be going to see a specialist in late December to see if he can figure out what's going on here. Until then, I have 2 doctor's appointments coming up - just follow ups.

I'm trying hard not to be irritable, but these hormones are making it difficult! I heard this song by Natalie Grant today, and it really inspired me! It's called "Bring It All Together." This is just an excerpt:

"I hear you say/That you can't go on/'Cause you had it all and watched it fall away/You feel betrayed/'Cause everything's gone wrong/Can't find the strength to hope for a better day/You may not understand the reasons/But His promise will never change/He's gonna take your pain/He's gonna take your doubt/He's gonna bring it all together/Gonna make you happy/Gonna make you laugh out loud/He's gonna bring it all together/Bring it all together for good."

It's just so applicable to my life right now.

Goodnight everyone!

Guilt!!

Okay, so I think this is my 3rd attempt at starting a blog. I really mean well, but I just have trouble keeping up with it! I am going to try really hard to take a few minutes each day to check in.

This past week has been awful. Last Monday, Tom and I found out at my 16 week ultrasound that our little one had passed away at about 15 weeks. Ugh. That was probably the worst day of my life so far. On Wednesday, I had to go to the hospital and have a D&E. That was TOTALLY terrifying for me, as I had to go under anesthesia and because just being in the hospital was stressful for me. I am relieved that's over.

Up until yesterday, I cried for hours each day. It was cleansing and stress relieving, but all I could think about was how I wanted to feel "normal" again. I don't even know what normal really is at this point. I'm not sure what normal will feel like after the pain of this ordeal fades away. The doctor sent the fetal tissue for testing, and hopefully we can get some answers that will help next time I get pregnant. My OB called this morning and was pretty concerned because this is my 3rd pregnancy loss in a row. I will be seeing a specialist next month. I am also trying to hook up with a counselor at my church to help me work through all of this.

All of this has me feeling guilty about EVERYTHING. When I feel happy and good, I feel guilty. I feel bad about missing 2 weeks of work. I am afraid that I'm going to get fired (although I know this is very unrealistic). I feel bad that my husband had to miss work. I feel like I'm bringing everyone down. Blech.

Through all of this, surprisingly, my faith has not waivered. I don't blame God in any way. I just would like some answers. Every night I have a long conversation with God before going to sleep. I ask for strength and let Him know how thankful I am for what I DO have. I ask Him to please be with me and let me know that this is all for a reason. I've started reading the Bible again. I know that He is there, but I just long to feel the comfort of His hand. People say that our baby is now an angel in heaven, and is in a "better place," but I want my baby here with me!

I know that people feel awkward and may not know what to say in this situation, but a simple hug is worth more than anything else.