Bring it all together for good

My freakin' boobs are leaking. And itching. And I have no baby to feed :(. I'm actually handling it okay, but it's aggravating. During the day, I feel alright. I'll occasionally have a breakdown. Late at night is when it's the worst. I start remembering every painful detail of my doctor's appointment and the days leading up to my surgery. Then I remember the day of my surgery when I was totally flipping out. My heart still aches and feels empty. My clothes still don't fit me. Crying is part of my daily routine.

I really miss work and feeling normal, but my body and mind are not ready to be there yet. I have MANY pregnant co-workers and there are tons of parents who are pregnant and I'm just not ready to face that yet. I do not feel jealous or resentful of these people at all. They had nothing to do with what happened to me or my baby. I pray that none of them ever have to go through the intense feelings of emptiness and hurt that I've been through in the past week. I pray that their babies continue to thrive and be healthy! I pray every morning and evening that God will help me to understand why this has happened. Was it to strengthen my relationship with my husband? To give us time to pay off debt? To give us time to finish school? To wait until we're living in a house of our own? I just don't know. Maybe some day it will be revealed to us.

I will be going to see a specialist in late December to see if he can figure out what's going on here. Until then, I have 2 doctor's appointments coming up - just follow ups.

I'm trying hard not to be irritable, but these hormones are making it difficult! I heard this song by Natalie Grant today, and it really inspired me! It's called "Bring It All Together." This is just an excerpt:

"I hear you say/That you can't go on/'Cause you had it all and watched it fall away/You feel betrayed/'Cause everything's gone wrong/Can't find the strength to hope for a better day/You may not understand the reasons/But His promise will never change/He's gonna take your pain/He's gonna take your doubt/He's gonna bring it all together/Gonna make you happy/Gonna make you laugh out loud/He's gonna bring it all together/Bring it all together for good."

It's just so applicable to my life right now.

Goodnight everyone!