Guilt!!

Okay, so I think this is my 3rd attempt at starting a blog. I really mean well, but I just have trouble keeping up with it! I am going to try really hard to take a few minutes each day to check in.

This past week has been awful. Last Monday, Tom and I found out at my 16 week ultrasound that our little one had passed away at about 15 weeks. Ugh. That was probably the worst day of my life so far. On Wednesday, I had to go to the hospital and have a D&E. That was TOTALLY terrifying for me, as I had to go under anesthesia and because just being in the hospital was stressful for me. I am relieved that's over.

Up until yesterday, I cried for hours each day. It was cleansing and stress relieving, but all I could think about was how I wanted to feel "normal" again. I don't even know what normal really is at this point. I'm not sure what normal will feel like after the pain of this ordeal fades away. The doctor sent the fetal tissue for testing, and hopefully we can get some answers that will help next time I get pregnant. My OB called this morning and was pretty concerned because this is my 3rd pregnancy loss in a row. I will be seeing a specialist next month. I am also trying to hook up with a counselor at my church to help me work through all of this.

All of this has me feeling guilty about EVERYTHING. When I feel happy and good, I feel guilty. I feel bad about missing 2 weeks of work. I am afraid that I'm going to get fired (although I know this is very unrealistic). I feel bad that my husband had to miss work. I feel like I'm bringing everyone down. Blech.

Through all of this, surprisingly, my faith has not waivered. I don't blame God in any way. I just would like some answers. Every night I have a long conversation with God before going to sleep. I ask for strength and let Him know how thankful I am for what I DO have. I ask Him to please be with me and let me know that this is all for a reason. I've started reading the Bible again. I know that He is there, but I just long to feel the comfort of His hand. People say that our baby is now an angel in heaven, and is in a "better place," but I want my baby here with me!

I know that people feel awkward and may not know what to say in this situation, but a simple hug is worth more than anything else.