Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! This holiday is really fun for me this year! My nephew, Jack is over for Christmas eve, which is a big deal in our family. Tomorrow, for Christmas Day, we will open gifts in the morning and then just chill out all day. On Wednesday, my nephew and brother and sister in law from NY are coming down. On Friday, my sister and her 3 kids are coming to visit for a couple of weeks. It's going to be busy, but fun.

I've been having some really intense anxiety lately. I'm not sure what it's from, but I wish I could just get rid of it. All of a sudden, I'll feel completely panicked. I've had panic attacks before, and this feels like when one is just starting. It comes and goes. I'm super-paranoid about everything...every time Tom leaves for the day I'm afraid he's going to get in a car accident...every time I get in the car I'm afraid of getting in a wreck. I'm afraid of dying in my sleep. I've always had a "death-and-disease" phobia, but it seems to be getting worse. Apparently this is normal post-miscarriage.

On another note, Tom and I are going to start Weight Watchers after New Years! I really want to lose some more weight (I lost 40lbs before I got pregnant) and so does Tom. I know it'll be a challenging and long road, but I at least want to stick with it until I get pregnant again.

Well I am going to take sweet little Jack outside! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Blech.

It all came back to me tonight. I miss the baby so much. I just loved him/her so much and he/she was so wanted. It's not fair. I should be preparing for the baby, feeling it move, talking to it...

I was doing much better...I think work has provided a great distraction, but I've been bottling everything up for the past week or so.

I just feel so drained and worn out.

Nothing exciting

Work has been going great. I really can't complain too much. It's been busy, but a great distraction. Today when I came home, though, I completely lost it and just started bawling. My heart still hurts. I still miss my precious baby. I know that I always will. It just still feels so fresh. I swear sometimes I can "feel the baby move." I know it's just muscle twitches or whatever. I'm afraid that the pain of this loss will never go away. But, life must go on and we will try again...maybe the 4th time will be the lucky one?

Other than that, we're totally broke and trying to get some Christmas stuff taken care of. We've decided to each get each other 3 gifts this year that cost $20 or less each. It's kind of fun and a little challenging. I made sure to tell Tom the things that I *really* wanted. We've decided to spend more money on gifts for our nieces and nephews and give as much as we can to our church, and organizations like Toys for Tots, etc. We don't need more stuff for ourselves, that's for sure!

Well I am so sleepy, so I'm going to lay around in bed. Goodnight!

Work

I went back to work today. It was busy, but good to get back to normal. There are a few parents and staff members who are unaware of what happened still, so I was trying to avoid them. I know I'll have to talk about it eventually, but not on my first day back! I had an appointment with my PCP today to get labs done for my liver enzymes, ANA, etc (a bunch of stuff that was going on before I got pregnant). Hopefully those all come back normal. Tomorrow I go and see the doctor who did my D&E. Hopefully I'm all clear from that as well. I am STILL leaking milk. Something else I'll be discussing with my doctor this week.

I rented Christmas With the Kranks to watch tonight while Tom is at work. He has something against that movie - I don't know what. I'm wondering if it's any good or not.

Found out today that my dad is having surgery again twice in January. We knew that he would be, but the time has just gone so fast. Hopefully they can take care of any remaining problems and get him all fixed up before he starts chemo again. It's been a long road for him! I'm just praying that everything turns out the way the doctors keep saying it's going to turn out.

Well, I have nothing else to say. Goodnight.