Lazy Sunday

I'm having a laaaaaaazy day so far today! It's 11:15am and I am still in my jammies. I've been so busy this weekend working on school work and knitting. I'm working on fingerless mittens. I finished one and am just starting the 2nd one. They are so soft and I can't wait to wear them! Yesterday Tom, my older sister, Kerry, and I took my niece and nephew to see Enchanted. What a cute movie! My niece laughed the entire time - it was so funny. All of the kids in the movie theater seemed to love it.

I'm taking 2 classes this quarter - Educational Psychology and Math for Educators. I really am going to try hard to keep up with all of my work. Sometimes it gets overwhelming working full time and trying to keep up with homework. Even though it's only 2 classes it takes a lot of time. I spent hours yesterday just reading my textbooks.

Tom and I are totally broke. He gets paid in a few days and I am so ready for that. We have tons of medical bills since my miscarriage and they are really making the well run dry. We're just trying to get everything paid off while we're living with my parents so that we can eventually move out and get a house of our own (wherever that house might be).

We'll see what happens!

2008

Wooooo hooooo! First post of 2008. I haven't been as vigilant at keeping up with this blog as I wanted to be. I update it when I remember that it's here. My brother, Mike and my sister, Kerry and her kids are here visiting, so it's been hectic, but fun! We found out yesterday that my dad is having surgery next week some time, so that's a little bit of a stressor for me right now. I'm trying not to worry about it too much and know that I should be praying about it instead of worrying at all. Worrying is just not worth the energy, although I am the queen of concern.

I saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist on Monday. He was AWESOME...listened to my concerns and gave lots of feedback. I have to go in and have bloodwork done pretty soon, and hopefully it will show something that can be corrected. He suggested that I start seeing a counselor who specializes in pregnancy loss to help me cope and to help ease the panic that I know I'll feel when I get pregnant again. I am totally on board with that.

Work is going great - Shelly and I ended up in the kitchen today, which was an adventure, but made the day fly by at least. School starts back for me on Friday - eek! It's going to be hard to get used to the homework and projects again, but I haven't taken courses the past 2 quarters, so it's time to get back into the swing of things. Tom and I are also both trying to get healthier together (who isn't at this time of year?) and hope that it'll last for more than just a few weeks. I've started reading the Bible again, with a "Bible Reading Schedule" that I got through our church. Things around here are busy, but I can't complain too much about anything.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! This holiday is really fun for me this year! My nephew, Jack is over for Christmas eve, which is a big deal in our family. Tomorrow, for Christmas Day, we will open gifts in the morning and then just chill out all day. On Wednesday, my nephew and brother and sister in law from NY are coming down. On Friday, my sister and her 3 kids are coming to visit for a couple of weeks. It's going to be busy, but fun.

I've been having some really intense anxiety lately. I'm not sure what it's from, but I wish I could just get rid of it. All of a sudden, I'll feel completely panicked. I've had panic attacks before, and this feels like when one is just starting. It comes and goes. I'm super-paranoid about everything...every time Tom leaves for the day I'm afraid he's going to get in a car accident...every time I get in the car I'm afraid of getting in a wreck. I'm afraid of dying in my sleep. I've always had a "death-and-disease" phobia, but it seems to be getting worse. Apparently this is normal post-miscarriage.

On another note, Tom and I are going to start Weight Watchers after New Years! I really want to lose some more weight (I lost 40lbs before I got pregnant) and so does Tom. I know it'll be a challenging and long road, but I at least want to stick with it until I get pregnant again.

Well I am going to take sweet little Jack outside! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Blech.

It all came back to me tonight. I miss the baby so much. I just loved him/her so much and he/she was so wanted. It's not fair. I should be preparing for the baby, feeling it move, talking to it...

I was doing much better...I think work has provided a great distraction, but I've been bottling everything up for the past week or so.

I just feel so drained and worn out.

Nothing exciting

Work has been going great. I really can't complain too much. It's been busy, but a great distraction. Today when I came home, though, I completely lost it and just started bawling. My heart still hurts. I still miss my precious baby. I know that I always will. It just still feels so fresh. I swear sometimes I can "feel the baby move." I know it's just muscle twitches or whatever. I'm afraid that the pain of this loss will never go away. But, life must go on and we will try again...maybe the 4th time will be the lucky one?

Other than that, we're totally broke and trying to get some Christmas stuff taken care of. We've decided to each get each other 3 gifts this year that cost $20 or less each. It's kind of fun and a little challenging. I made sure to tell Tom the things that I *really* wanted. We've decided to spend more money on gifts for our nieces and nephews and give as much as we can to our church, and organizations like Toys for Tots, etc. We don't need more stuff for ourselves, that's for sure!

Well I am so sleepy, so I'm going to lay around in bed. Goodnight!

Work

I went back to work today. It was busy, but good to get back to normal. There are a few parents and staff members who are unaware of what happened still, so I was trying to avoid them. I know I'll have to talk about it eventually, but not on my first day back! I had an appointment with my PCP today to get labs done for my liver enzymes, ANA, etc (a bunch of stuff that was going on before I got pregnant). Hopefully those all come back normal. Tomorrow I go and see the doctor who did my D&E. Hopefully I'm all clear from that as well. I am STILL leaking milk. Something else I'll be discussing with my doctor this week.

I rented Christmas With the Kranks to watch tonight while Tom is at work. He has something against that movie - I don't know what. I'm wondering if it's any good or not.

Found out today that my dad is having surgery again twice in January. We knew that he would be, but the time has just gone so fast. Hopefully they can take care of any remaining problems and get him all fixed up before he starts chemo again. It's been a long road for him! I'm just praying that everything turns out the way the doctors keep saying it's going to turn out.

Well, I have nothing else to say. Goodnight.

Weekend

Nothing really new going on here. I'm feeling a little weepy today for some reason. Tom didn't call me on his lunch break and that made me cry - dumb as that is. I guess my hormones are still out of whack. I'm bleeding A LOT today (sorry if that's TMI!!!!) so I'm also pretty tired.

Since I was out of work this week, I watched a lot of movies. I just finished watching Dreamgirls, which was really good. Last night I watched Finding Neverland which was AWESOME. I don't usually like movies set in "olden times," but I'm glad I made an exception for this one. Tom and I watched License to Wed which wasn't very good. We're going out to Blockbuster when Tom gets home from work to get a couple more movies. The Blockbuster online subscription thing is great. Anyone have any suggestions for movies to rent (if anyone is reading this blog!?!?!?) :)

I'm ready to get back to work on Monday. I'm ready to wear real clothes and not sweat pants! (Although I do enjoy lounging around in my PJ's). My mom is dying my hair this weekend - a dark brown color, I think it's called espresso. I'm going to get my eyebrows waxed and will probably give myself a manicure and pedicure. I want to feel good about my appearance at least, when I go back on Monday. I've really let myself go the past 2 weeks. It's time to get back to the "real world."

Well it's almost 10pm and I haven't had dinner yet, so I'd better grab something to eat!

Goodnight!