Tom and I went out with some friends to the Breakfast Club last night and had a great time. Of course, I imbibed a few too many Purple Rains, as always ;)
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Another month has passed...
And I still suck at keeping up with my blog! Oh well. I'm pretty sure I've started blogs in the past and never gotten past 1 entry.
So tonight I'm feeling a little uneasy and depressed. I came to the shocking realization today that if we had not lost our baby back in November, I would be due in 1 1/2 months. Wow. I think all of this has surfaced again because Sunday (3/9) was the 1 year anniversary of my 2nd miscarriage (the one where we saw a heartbeat one day and the next it was gone).
I really do want to have a baby, but I just feel hopeless and like maybe we should take some time off. I had an RE appointment last week but had to cancel due to insurance issues (another story entirely). Tom and I have discussed waiting until we're done with school, which would be about 2 1/2 years from now. Do I really want to wait until I'm almost 30 to have my first child? Not that 30 is old, but I personally have always wanted to have kids in my 20's. My health insurance is causing a problem for me with this stuff because the deductible is so high. All 3 of my miscarriages cost a huge amount of money for us. Do I really want to go through all of the effort and expense to be disappointed again? Will we ever become parents?
So many unknowns drive me nuts. I like to know precisely what is going to happen, especially when it comes to my body. I feel like I can't trust my body with pregnancy. Last time we thought everything was great and then BOOM - everything came crashing down. It took a terribly long time for me to get back to feeling "normal." And still when I see a pregnant woman I feel a pang of jealousy. Why can't I still be pregnant? Why did my precious baby have to leave us? Where was God in all of this? How can crack addicts and abusers have 5 healthy kids and I can't have any? Wasn't I doing everything right? The questions go on and on...
I can just feel my heart breaking tonight. Sometimes I feel like I should be over this - like maybe I'm just too dramatic or something. Then the magnitude of what has really happened hits me - my baby died. I SHOULD be dramatic. I should NOT be over this. I will probably never truly get over it. It has only been 4 months.
Everything else is the same - work, school, etc. Can't really complain about all of that. My dad is having another surgery in another couple of weeks. I'm hoping for the best.
I need to get back to church - it keeps me balanced and makes me feel like I don't have to struggle to be in control.
So tonight I'm feeling a little uneasy and depressed. I came to the shocking realization today that if we had not lost our baby back in November, I would be due in 1 1/2 months. Wow. I think all of this has surfaced again because Sunday (3/9) was the 1 year anniversary of my 2nd miscarriage (the one where we saw a heartbeat one day and the next it was gone).
I really do want to have a baby, but I just feel hopeless and like maybe we should take some time off. I had an RE appointment last week but had to cancel due to insurance issues (another story entirely). Tom and I have discussed waiting until we're done with school, which would be about 2 1/2 years from now. Do I really want to wait until I'm almost 30 to have my first child? Not that 30 is old, but I personally have always wanted to have kids in my 20's. My health insurance is causing a problem for me with this stuff because the deductible is so high. All 3 of my miscarriages cost a huge amount of money for us. Do I really want to go through all of the effort and expense to be disappointed again? Will we ever become parents?
So many unknowns drive me nuts. I like to know precisely what is going to happen, especially when it comes to my body. I feel like I can't trust my body with pregnancy. Last time we thought everything was great and then BOOM - everything came crashing down. It took a terribly long time for me to get back to feeling "normal." And still when I see a pregnant woman I feel a pang of jealousy. Why can't I still be pregnant? Why did my precious baby have to leave us? Where was God in all of this? How can crack addicts and abusers have 5 healthy kids and I can't have any? Wasn't I doing everything right? The questions go on and on...
I can just feel my heart breaking tonight. Sometimes I feel like I should be over this - like maybe I'm just too dramatic or something. Then the magnitude of what has really happened hits me - my baby died. I SHOULD be dramatic. I should NOT be over this. I will probably never truly get over it. It has only been 4 months.
Everything else is the same - work, school, etc. Can't really complain about all of that. My dad is having another surgery in another couple of weeks. I'm hoping for the best.
I need to get back to church - it keeps me balanced and makes me feel like I don't have to struggle to be in control.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Ugh!
I just composed a long post with lots of pics and it didn't work!! Anyway, here are some pictures of my family. Also, here's the Umbilical Cord hat from the Stitch n' Bitch book that I made yesterday. The yarn is weird - looks like camo when you knit it up.
Well we're flying home today - next time I post I'll be at my house!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Almost time to get back to reality.
We've had a great vacation and today's the last day. Tomorrow we'll be driving down to Albany to get on our flight home. I'm actually not dreading going home, because we've been keeping up with our laundry at my sister's house, so I won't be wrapped up in that when we get home. However, I do have a quiz due tomorrow and have no idea what it's even about!! AHHH!! I hope I'm able to figure it out - it's math, my very worst subject.
Today is the Winter Carnival Parade up here, I plan on taking pictures of it and posting them up later. There's also an ice palace that they make every year out of HUGE blocks of ice. Hopefully we'll get over there today and take some pics of that also.
My birthday was good and relaxing. I think as you get older, birthdays just aren't as fun. I remember being a kid and getting VERY excited about my birthday every year. I used to love planning the birthday parties, etc. The truth is, at this point in my life, I don't have many peers that I hang out with. I'm friends with a few people at work and my 2 best friends have moved far away in the past year. Sadly, I don't keep in touch with them as much as I should. I miss them lots.
I'm working on adding some songs to our iTunes library so I can load up my iPod before hanging out on planes and at the airport tomorrow.
Anyway - hopefully I'll be back later to post some pictures!
Today is the Winter Carnival Parade up here, I plan on taking pictures of it and posting them up later. There's also an ice palace that they make every year out of HUGE blocks of ice. Hopefully we'll get over there today and take some pics of that also.
My birthday was good and relaxing. I think as you get older, birthdays just aren't as fun. I remember being a kid and getting VERY excited about my birthday every year. I used to love planning the birthday parties, etc. The truth is, at this point in my life, I don't have many peers that I hang out with. I'm friends with a few people at work and my 2 best friends have moved far away in the past year. Sadly, I don't keep in touch with them as much as I should. I miss them lots.
I'm working on adding some songs to our iTunes library so I can load up my iPod before hanging out on planes and at the airport tomorrow.
Anyway - hopefully I'll be back later to post some pictures!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Knitting, vacation, etc..
Well it's been over a month since I posted - wow! Right now Tom and I are on vacation in the Adirondack mountains of NY. We're having a great time relaxing, reading, spending time with the family, etc. This weekend is "Winter Carnival" up here, and it's sure to be an interesting time. My brothers are coming up from southern NY for the weekend. It tends to get a little wild when I'm with my bros - there's usually alcohol involved and some silliness. I can't wait! I've spent the past couple of days knitting a hat for my co-worker's baby shower, and I'm going to post it up here. I'm also posting a picture of Tom and me at the airport in Greensboro, NC on our way up here. The little girl in the picture is my niece, and the hat is on her doll. It's so soft! Made with Rowan yarn - one of the cashmere blends that my older sister had in her stash. Now I'm working on an iPod case for my dad.
The little guy is my nephew/God-son, Sam, who just started free-standing! He's such a cutie!
Tomorrow is my 26th birthday and my sister is taking DH and I out to dinner tonight. I can't believe I'll be 26!!! It seems like I just turned 21.
On the TTC front, we've decided to hold off for awhile. This May, we'll both be in school and we want to focus on that for awhile. I'm not sure when we'll try again. I'm going to the RE next month at some point to have some blood testing done.
Hope everyone is well. Hope these pics work!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Lazy Sunday
I'm having a laaaaaaazy day so far today! It's 11:15am and I am still in my jammies. I've been so busy this weekend working on school work and knitting. I'm working on fingerless mittens. I finished one and am just starting the 2nd one. They are so soft and I can't wait to wear them! Yesterday Tom, my older sister, Kerry, and I took my niece and nephew to see Enchanted. What a cute movie! My niece laughed the entire time - it was so funny. All of the kids in the movie theater seemed to love it.
I'm taking 2 classes this quarter - Educational Psychology and Math for Educators. I really am going to try hard to keep up with all of my work. Sometimes it gets overwhelming working full time and trying to keep up with homework. Even though it's only 2 classes it takes a lot of time. I spent hours yesterday just reading my textbooks.
Tom and I are totally broke. He gets paid in a few days and I am so ready for that. We have tons of medical bills since my miscarriage and they are really making the well run dry. We're just trying to get everything paid off while we're living with my parents so that we can eventually move out and get a house of our own (wherever that house might be).
We'll see what happens!
I'm taking 2 classes this quarter - Educational Psychology and Math for Educators. I really am going to try hard to keep up with all of my work. Sometimes it gets overwhelming working full time and trying to keep up with homework. Even though it's only 2 classes it takes a lot of time. I spent hours yesterday just reading my textbooks.
Tom and I are totally broke. He gets paid in a few days and I am so ready for that. We have tons of medical bills since my miscarriage and they are really making the well run dry. We're just trying to get everything paid off while we're living with my parents so that we can eventually move out and get a house of our own (wherever that house might be).
We'll see what happens!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
2008
Wooooo hooooo! First post of 2008. I haven't been as vigilant at keeping up with this blog as I wanted to be. I update it when I remember that it's here. My brother, Mike and my sister, Kerry and her kids are here visiting, so it's been hectic, but fun! We found out yesterday that my dad is having surgery next week some time, so that's a little bit of a stressor for me right now. I'm trying not to worry about it too much and know that I should be praying about it instead of worrying at all. Worrying is just not worth the energy, although I am the queen of concern.
I saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist on Monday. He was AWESOME...listened to my concerns and gave lots of feedback. I have to go in and have bloodwork done pretty soon, and hopefully it will show something that can be corrected. He suggested that I start seeing a counselor who specializes in pregnancy loss to help me cope and to help ease the panic that I know I'll feel when I get pregnant again. I am totally on board with that.
Work is going great - Shelly and I ended up in the kitchen today, which was an adventure, but made the day fly by at least. School starts back for me on Friday - eek! It's going to be hard to get used to the homework and projects again, but I haven't taken courses the past 2 quarters, so it's time to get back into the swing of things. Tom and I are also both trying to get healthier together (who isn't at this time of year?) and hope that it'll last for more than just a few weeks. I've started reading the Bible again, with a "Bible Reading Schedule" that I got through our church. Things around here are busy, but I can't complain too much about anything.
I saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist on Monday. He was AWESOME...listened to my concerns and gave lots of feedback. I have to go in and have bloodwork done pretty soon, and hopefully it will show something that can be corrected. He suggested that I start seeing a counselor who specializes in pregnancy loss to help me cope and to help ease the panic that I know I'll feel when I get pregnant again. I am totally on board with that.
Work is going great - Shelly and I ended up in the kitchen today, which was an adventure, but made the day fly by at least. School starts back for me on Friday - eek! It's going to be hard to get used to the homework and projects again, but I haven't taken courses the past 2 quarters, so it's time to get back into the swing of things. Tom and I are also both trying to get healthier together (who isn't at this time of year?) and hope that it'll last for more than just a few weeks. I've started reading the Bible again, with a "Bible Reading Schedule" that I got through our church. Things around here are busy, but I can't complain too much about anything.
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